So I've been tortured for something like two weeks now by our office's Sirius satelite radio that has been parked on a channel called "Holly", which brings us non-stop Christmas music with no commercial breaks. Problem is, of course, over the span of about 80 hours, you're going to hear the same twenty songs again and again and again. Hilariously, the more I listen to them, the more I discover a strange underbelly to them.
Example #1: Home for the Holidays
This is a misleading song at best, and shameless propaganda at worst. First observe the lyric:
"From Atlantic to Pacific, well the traffic was terrific!"
Oh come on. We've all travelled over the holidays and in no single instance was the traffic EVER terrific. It's not even terrific when it's not the holidays. Not even if I was driving a convertible Porsche 911 with a boot full of gold ingots would I call the traffic at Christmas "terrific". Not even the air traffic is terrific. In fact, the air traffic sucks. The snow delay to get from the Loop to O'Hare yesterday was approaching three hours. So don't bullshit me, "Home for the Holidays". I know what I know, and I know that the traffic at Christmas is decidedly NOT terrific.
And then there's this line:
"If you want to be happy in a million ways..."
A million ways? That's overselling home a little. You don't have to promise me a "million" ways to be happy in order for me to want to go home for the holidays. I'd settle for being happy in, say... ten ways. I bet even if there was no such thing as stress, or greed, or world hunger, or an economic crisis, or global warming, and even if you could count the absense of all of these things as a way, you could still only come up with six or seven thousand, tops. I mean, I can imagine a LOT of ways to be happy, there's no doubt, but a million? Though I guess in the dream world that this song exists in the "traffic is terrific" so that's one way right there. And with the recent trend of busting corrupt Illinois politicians I suppose the song is just responsible for finding me 999,998 more... That's a tall order just for going home for the holidays. Imagine how stressed out Mom is going to be trying to make you happy? With their math, she alone would be responsible for like 150,000 ways. And we count on her happiness as one of the ways WE're going to be happy. You can see the conundrum...
Example #2 It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
"Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jen,
And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again..."
This line always makes me picture some douchebag socialite couple from the 50's sitting around their "parlor" with a cigarette in one hand and a dry martini in the other, partly sloshed, laughing to each other "I can hardly WAIT for SCHOOL to START AGAIN!" Huh-huh-huh-huh. Aren't I funny, Trevor? Yes, Kitty, you are so droll.
I'm just going to say this on behalf of poor Janice and Jen, who are probably too mortified and ashamed of themselves to do anything but stare at the floor.
Hey mom and dad, you guys are dicks, and I'll bet the girls can't wait for you to go back to work and keep your hurtful comments to yourselves.
Example #3 Frosty the Snowman
"Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day, so he said "let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away."
This seems to suggest that Frosty is advocating that if you're terminally ill or facing imminent death that the appropriate response is to go out into the streets and break some laws. I mean, I can't say that the idea doesn't have a sort of savage appeal, but you heard the song, he only paused a MOMENT when he heard traffic control officer hollar "stop!". Death is a scary, scary thing, but there's no need to resort to anarchy and lawlessness.
"He waved goodbye saying 'don't you cry'..."
This reminds me unsettlingly of Roy Scheider on his deathbed at the end of "All that Jazz" singing 'I think I'm gonna die!' And that "don't you cry" thing never works with children. My son is two and he cries if he drops a toy on the floor. All he has to do is bend over and pick it up, and still it's upsetting enough to make him cry sometimes. Now you're telling me he has to watch Frosty the Terminal-Illness Snowman waste away before his very eyes and not cry about it? Yeah right, Frosty. Why don't you just go ahead and call Sobby the Kleenex Man right now.
"...I'll be back again someday."
This is either referring to some sort of vague religious resurrection-based faith statement, or it's a cryptic warning that Frosty may someday re-animate himself as part of a slouching, chilly army of undead snowmen.
I swear to God, if you think listening to Christmas music non-stop 8-10 hours a day for four weeks is messed up, try really listening to the songs.
"I'll be back again someday."
Not if my snowblower has anything to say about it, Frosty.
A helpful reader responded with another example. KEHWRITER writes:
I am still reading it, but I am taking longer than expected because I am laughing so hard (or should I say: laughing all the way?)
Now, see, that's what I'm talking about. Maybe if the two idiots had a little less spiked eggnog and weren't "laughing all the way" they wouldn't have gotten their sleigh into the "drifted bank". I can only imagine what sort of a date-killing hassle that pulling a horse and sleigh out of a snowbank would be. Much less the potential for serious injury. It doesn't sound like anyone was wearing seatbelts. Maybe the lost final verse was about explaining to the State trooper just what exactly the hell was so funny to begin with. Anybody got any road flares?